Friday, January 25, 2013

Already lagging behind...

Darn. I had the best of intentions with my new blog. I thought for sure I'd be able to write at least one new post per week, but jeeze, it didn't happen.

Life has been busy, lately. Well, my brain has been the busy part of my life. The rest of life has been pretty standard. Except for the fact that I had the most FABULOUS trip with my girlfriends to Chicago.
It was seriously the most fun I've had in a long time. It was great to spend time just sitting around, doing nothing with these ladies. We did DO stuff, but I think my favorite part was just being able to lay around and chat about life. Being a SAHM with a husband who doesn't get home until 7:30 or 8 every night is very lonely, and all I really ever crave is some interaction, someone to talk to. That need was met this weekend, for sure. We ate lots of food, had lots of giggles, sipped lots of wine, and overall, just had a good time with each other.

I missed my babies during the trip, a LOT, but did much better than I anticipated. I think being with my kids 24/7 made it easier for me to be away for a little bit, because my mind was just craving ME time. So even though I was sad to leave them, I knew deep down how much I needed this trip. I felt refreshed in the mommy sense when I got back home (but did not, however, feel refreshed in the homemaker-sense...damn housework!), so it was a good trip. Got to snuggle these two love bugs when I returned...

So what's been busying my mind lately? Ugh...I don't even know where to start. Things have been tough personally, and married life isn't the easiest. Moreover, I'm trying to figure out my professional future. It seems like a small decision, really, but it truly feels like I'm making a choice that will impact the rest of my life. I'm down to 6 days to make this decision, and I'm no closer to making up my mind than I was a month ago. It's really frustrating. I need to decide by February 1st if I'm going back to work next year. Some days I've said "no, I'm going to stay home another year and just find some random weekend job", and other days I've said "yes, I have to go back. We neeeeeed the money." Earlier today I was saying "I'm going to go back part-time. I'll just do my SAHM gig in the morning and go to work in the afternoon..." But it's not that easy. Here's the dilemma:

Option #1: I take another year off of work (my last chance, really...if I take the year, I HAVE to go back the following year or give up my contract). I however wouldn't be NOT working...I'd have to find some type of random job. The problem with this is: I CAN'T FIND A JOB. My husband has made it very clear that we need more money. That I need to make money. Well, I can't get said random job during the week or else I'll have to pay daycare, which pretty much spends all the money I'd be making. What would be the point of that? I'd be willing to work nights, but considering my husband doesn't get home until 7/8ish, I can't really go that route. Right now I'm trying to find something I could do on the weekend, but there's not a ton out there that would allow me to make the kind of money that we need. People have suggested tutoring, which I'm looking into, but unless I tutor from 8 in the morning until 8 at night both Saturday and Sunday, I can't really see it benefiting us much financially (that's not even factoring in time for lesson planning). I know if I take this option I will eventually find a job or will maybe have to piece together a few different jobs (maybe some late-night tutoring with a weekend serving gig), but I'm pretty much giving up any real ME time since I'll be working as a mom Mon - Fri and doing whatever on the weekends. On the positive side, if I go with this option, Kellen could be enrolled in preschool next year, I could still attend ECFE classes with my kids, Kellen could still receive speech (if he still qualifies), I could have play dates with my new mommy friends, and most importantly, I can be the primary person raising my children.

Option #2: Work part time. I could request a part-time leave, which would pretty much mean I'm asking to come back only half time. If I do this, I would have to come back part-time each day. I couldn't just work 3 or 4 days a week; I'd have to go in every day for half of the day. If it weren't a financial issue, I could really see myself liking this idea. But after looking at what my take-home pay would be, minus the cost of part-time daycare, it wouldn't make a lot of sense. I'd make maaaaaybe an extra $150 per paycheck (and that's not even factoring in the 50-mile round-trip commute). And don't even get me started on leaving my district and finding a job with another district. I've looked around, and I would be taking a serious pay cut by leaving my district. Besides, I like where I work. I've been there for 5 years, have made a name for myself, know what's expected of me, work with some amazing teachers, and have made a lot of good friends. I don't want to just get up and leave and start somewhere new, to make way less than I was making in the past. As with option number 1, the positive is that I'd still get to be the primary caregiver, Kellen could still do preschool and get speech, and I could still have ECFE and play dates.

Option #3: Work full time. Just typing this makes my heart break. Picturing my life next year, barely seeing my kids during the week, it really makes me want to cry. I've already cried several times just thinking about it. Financially, it makes the most sense. If I put the kids in daycare close to home, and work in my district, I'd still be bringing home a lot of money after paying daycare and gas. I'd make sure to find a place where I know the kids will be well-taken-care-of, obviously, but I just know they wouldn't get the type of care I could give them. That's what they deserve. But this would mean no speech for Kellen (there wouldn't be anyone who could physically drive him there), no preschool (for the same reason), no ECFE, no play dates. My life would be wake up, take the kids to daycare, go to work, pick the kids up, come home and do all the dinner and cleaning and housework (because this wouldn't fix the husband working until 8 issue), have an hour or two to myself, then go to bed and do it all over again the next day. On the plus side, we wouldn't be having money fights all the time, and I'd be able to get a bigger vehicle (hoping for a CRV), and I'd get to be able to save more money for my kids and possibly even spend a little money on myself (I wouldn't feel guilty for buying a shake at Sonic!)...and maybe we could even save up enough money to get out of this constantly-needing-a-fix-up-home and find something nicer.

I just don't know, ladies. I'm feeling really conflicted and truly have no idea what I'm going to do. I thought writing this would maybe help me make my decision, but it didn't. *Sigh*

Oh well, I'm going to go and distract myself by watching some Ellen. (Isn't she the best?)

4 comments:

  1. Oh buddy, that is a big decision without an absolute perfect path. But that is a big part of life, weighing pros and cons, and you just have to figure out which cons you can live with. For the year. Because perhaps you can reevaluate and find the perfect fit for your family, and the cons would just be temporary.

    Hoping the right decision comes to light and you can feel comfortable with it. No matter what you do, it's obvious your children's best interest is at heart and that matters. Hugs!

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  2. I feel for you, it is a very hard decisions. So I stayed home with Colton until he was 15 months, I did work part time retail on days when Frankie was off work or grandparents could watch him but money was tight and we were not happy as we were constantly worrying about paying that next bill or how we would make it to the next pay day. As you know, I now do the whole work full time outside the home thing, both my kids go to daycare during the week - two different daycares to be exact because Colton goes to school all day but needed after school care so Kindercare picks him up. We pay $170 a week in daycare (which is very reasonable considering that is for two kids - but then again Mason only goes 3 days cuase he is home with daddy or grandma on Monday and Tuesdays)! There are so many days I wish I could be home with them, well mostly Mason, as I feel I am missing so much of his early years and he is being robbed of his mommy time but I will say that is make me appreciate our evenings and weekends so much more. Also I feel that the social skills they are gaining by going to daycare/after school care is something that I just couldnt give them at home. And the extra money is awesome, we are able pay down debt (which we had racked up quite a bit) and we are able to save some money to do fun things with the kids and even squeeze in a vacation every now and then. It is not an easy choice to let someone else raise your kids 50 hours a week, and it is an even hard choice when you have a husband who works late all the time (believe me, I understand your frustration with that and mine works weekends too). But it is also very stressing to always worry about money and to feel like you can't enjoy life (or a chocolate shake) cause of a "budget". I know it won't be an easy decision to make but you will make the right now, I know I did even though at the time it was very hard - now 5 years later I am so happy that I have a full time job and two happy healthy boys who think daycare is a completely normal thing! If you ever want to talk you know my number!

    Sorry I realize that was quite the rant, didn't mean to make it that long! Hang in there girl, things will work out - just trust your gut feeling!

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  3. Eck. Lose lose lose situation you've got going here right?

    I'm so sorry Suzi, clearly you are racking your brain trying to make the right decision for your family, and that is so much pressure on a mom. And, if I can be blunt, it seems like you are the only parent here taking on any of that pressure. That is A LOT for one person, and it's not right, and not fair, and I really wish I was there to give you a hug right now and say, "Everything is going to be alright."

    Because it is, I know it is.

    I'm guessing you did not write this to get our personal opinions, but I hope we're good enough friends that you don't mind me giving you my assvice/take.

    Here it is. Your children AND your marriage are equally important here. Because if your marriage isn't working, your kids will suffer, and that aspect of things should be a huge factor in your decision.

    1. I think husband needs to set up a meeting with his boss and say that he at least needs to be able to leave work ON TIME at 5:00 PM TWICE A WEEK. That is not too much too ask. I'm trying to look at it from the perspective of my boss, who has an extremely demanding job, and an extremely demanding boss, but he makes it a priority to leave the office and do daycare pick up twice a week. His wife also works, and they trade off because that's what marriage is. Give and Take.

    2. He needs to understand: You cannot do everything here. You cannot be the sole person to raise these children AND keep the house in order AND be expected to bring in some $$ with the very little free time you have. You both have important jobs, and important roles in this household, but there needs to be more give and take or you guys are going to end up hating each other! :(

    3. If the burden of being so strapped for cash is too much on your marriage, and making you all unhappy, then maybe going back to work makes sense? Next year is still, 7 months away. That's so much time in kid years. You have no idea where Kellen will be at that point with his speech, but what's to say that he won't be doing 100% better? Hasn't his speech teacher said that it's common for kids with delayed speech that do speech therapy to almost completely catch up within a year? Also, I'm sure there must be a way to continue with the speech therapy next year, if needed, on the weekends or in the evenings. And Kellen will have just turned 3 next year, he doesn't HAVE to go to preschool for three years before going to Kindergarten, right? You're already planning on waiting to send him until he's 6, so there's PLENTY of time for preschool, and I bet you'll be able to find a way to work it in in two years. Plus going back to daycare would be a big adjustment for him that I'm sure he'd do well with because he's such an independent and sweet-natured kid, so that would be a great transition for him to preschool.

    AND MAYBE? Maybe husband will be making more money in two years and you will be able to either stay home or go part-time in two years.

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  4. The idea of working sounds scary now because change is scary and you love your kids so much that you want to do every single thing you can for them. But bringing home enough money to make life more manageable and helping to work on your marriage and doing something (teaching) that you love and get fulfillment from, those are all ways to show your children you love them.

    I don't know. Ugh. I don't have the answers and I'm mostly just rambling and ranting here, because I want you to be happy and I want you and Aaron to be good, and it doesn't seem like that's happening right now. :(

    It does sound like you'd like to take another year off though, if you could make the money thing work, since it's your last chance for another year at home with the opportunity to return to your job. But will the decision you have to make the next year to go back to work be just as gut wrenching? Probably.

    Know this, whatever you decide, your girlfriends will support you and try to help you make it work as much as we can.

    This stage of life we're in, where we're entrusted with young children who rely on us for everything, it's all just so much pressure. But you're doing a good job, you're a good mom, whether you're working or not. And as is the case for a lot of decisions you have to make as a parent, there's no clear answer. But once you make a decision, STICK WITH IT. Don't change your mind, don't second-guess, don't be wracked with guilt or worry. Carry on.

    Everything is going to be okay. I know it.

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